I haven't been able to sleep at all this week and today was just another addition to the cycle, i don't know what i feel anymore i want to escape so bad

a vacation or some time off to relax.. lately my relation ship feels so routine, I been feeling like I'm the only one really trying to keep this together without arguing sometimes. I just want to cry for days. I don't want to seem needy or dramatic that's the last thing i want to be accused for and on top of all of these i have no money no job and i feel worse than ever before.. *sigh*

Sometimes I wish things could be better.. I'm tired of feeling numb, depressed and hopeless. Is there anything i can do? Should i take action? If i do will it be to late?, will it be to soon? so many questions and not even one answer.. Its so funny how life changes. all my life I've just been feeling like nothing goes right. Cursed i would figure. Once i have something good it disappears and then I'm stuck again with the numbness. People tell me its going to get better and it has to get worse before it gets better.. but when will that day come where everything is finally OK.. I've been waiting all my life.. honestly what did i do to get such a tortured life i surely didn't choose this.. my mom never wanted me, my dad lost, my grandparents to old. I've always been alone and I'm afraid i will be forever.. i think what I crave more than ever is attention, attention i never had. I've been blesses with health and yeah i seem to be able to fight through anything but when will it be enough. At one point i did love myself but now its changed so much. In the beginning of this relation ship it was so good it was amazing i was finally happy with someone who i can see myself with but as time past by the more and more that willingness slipped away. i love him so much i really do.. i have done more for him than i have for my sisters or my family.. i just want to feel better.. i want to be able to smile through out the day for no reason and just be happy that I'm breathing ..
I use to be religious . I use to think that God can cure everything i was happier than
but my mom ruined that for me. Every time i think of God i think of my mom forcing me to read the bible and pray everyday.. I don't even know if God is really the answer sometimes i feel he is but i doubt so much of him. Alot of the time I'm scared, scared that I'm not going to make it through this life. but then in the end we all end up in the same place.